I never thought I'd reach 300 posts so quickly. I thought this would just be a part-time thing, but now I work on it all the time, diligently telling people what albums they should and should not listen to. For my 300th post, I'm going to set aside the metal and share with you my top 5 favorite pieces of bad fan fiction.
#5: legolas by laura
This is the first sentence of the story:
Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.
That sentence is 87 words long. This story is filled with long, rambling, typo-filled, nonsensical sentences centering around the most painfully obvious Mary Sue since My Immortal. This makes me think it was written by Charlotte Bronte's inbred cousin. However, it's this simple-mindedness that gives the story its charm. Also, there's this:
Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura
That's where the story ends. No, seriously. It just stops mid-sentence. It's like The Sopranos but, you know, more interesting.
I watched a Gmod adaptation of this fanfic way back in 2008. Not only did this video introduce me to the works of squirrelking, it also introduced me to the wide world of Gmod. As for the story itself, it stars John Freeman who was Gordon Freeman's brother who goes on an adventure help his brother to defeat the enemies. In this story, everyone refers to each other by their full names and everything is described in an unnecessarily detailed way, like this:
John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.
Then again, I love its idiosyncratic style of writing. Without it, the story would just be boring.
The Touhou fanbase has been growing at a really fast pace, so the creation of a bad piece of fan fiction based on the series was pretty much inevitable. That's where Talos Angel came in. One day, she got drunk and wrote up, well, this. First of all, it's filled to the brim with rouge angles of satin. Here's just a small taste of what you will find:
"Hell Reimu," Reimu fried Marisa sad, "Is god mourning!"
The plot doesn't make a lick of sense. First Flandre attacks while Marisa stays at home and plays Half-Life 2. Then Flandre becomes a zombie and attacks Marisa. Patchouli saves Marisa and they celebrate by getting "nekked" and having "hot sox" on Reimu's couch. Marisa has a baby, Reimu gets jealous, and tries to get revenge by becoming a bad guy. Normally, this would make for an atrocious story, but the constant spelling and grammar mistakes make it hilarious.
#2: Anything written by Peter Chimaera
I know I'm cheating with this one, but I love Peter Chimaera's work so much I had to put it here. The stories have hilarious spelling and grammar mistakes out to wazoo. Here's a sentence from one of my personal favorites, DIGIMON 2: RETURN OF DIGIMON:
It was been two yeers since teh scintist destoryed the road. Digimon now lerned to eb mor epowarfull to fight the evli!
Here's one from QuarterLife: Halfway to Destruction:
"UI have discovered new radoactive isatope but it is so vollatile that it does not have a half-life but quarter-life so we must observe with hasty"
And here's one from fan favorite, DOOM: Repercussions of Evil:
“No! I must kill the demons” he shouted
The radio said “No, John. You are the demons”
And then John was a zombie.
I could seriously spend all day copy-pasting funny lines from Peter Chimaera's work.
#1: Thirty H
Thirty H is the greatest thing ever written. No, that is not hyperbole. Thirty H is the greatest thing ever written. From beginning to end it's nothing but awesomeness. Seriously just read the first lines:
Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull. He turned to Harry, thrusting his bloody, retina-covered pelvis with elfin fervor.
"How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?"
Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."
I'm not going to spoil the awesomeness, so you're going to have to read it yourself. Let's just say it includes stuff like planetary destruction, guitars that defy the laws of physics, and a scene were every vagina in the universe explodes. Oops! I said too much!
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